Well, the first Thanksgiving since I've been over 240 lbs that I ate tooooooooo much. Hmmm, serious control needs to take place now. Last night I finished off the pumpkin pie and green bean casserole. Wanting chocolate right now, and know it is a no no. I think I put on five lbs, maybe more. Damn, there goes that 180 barrier I just broke. No more goodies, no more extra eating until Christmas. Have lots of hard work ahead of me. I hate it when I fall from willpower. Water, tea (without sweetener of any type), and coffee (without sweetener of any type) have become my best friends again. I may have the occasional hot cocoa, made from scratch so I can take out some sugar. I don't mind the bitter chocolate taste, in fact, I prefer it. I just received a craving for corn bread with butter melted over the top (real butter). Tell me, do cravings ever stop when you finally reach that ideal weight, or is it a battle for the rest of my life?
Well, back to tummy rumbles during the day and filling up on water, tea, and coffee, plus carrots, celery, lettuce, bananas, and other fruits that won't cost me an arm and a leg.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
GOOD NEWS GOOD NEWS GOOD NEWS
Ginet isn't pregnant! Whew! A relief.
However, while she celebrates the negative, feelings for Derek keeps dropping in. We talk about him when she needs to, but I don't mention it otherwise. Spooky thing though: she came across a blond look-a-like! Man, the blond and him could be brothers! (Oh, Derek is a red head.)
Another good note: a new mattress for Garry and my bed, which means I will be back in the bedroom. We do need a bigger bed, but the mattress was the big problem. For him to get the support he needed, he had to "nest" himself, and two nesters don't sleep well in the same bed. Doesn't matter what type of mattress I have, I still nest. Now, the next thing to deal with is getting him to keep the tv off all night, and keeping the heat down. Don't get me wrong, I love to be warm, but when I sleep, the heat sucks! Let me cover up some. Usually he is the one with the heat down low, usually the one with the air blasting in the summer, but not lately. Think the meds have something to do with it; not sure. Plus, now, no reading in bed. It is so funny; I can't have the tv on, but he can't have study light on. Well, neither can I when I lay down to sleep; I can't have any lights on, and absolutely no sound except nature. Oh how I wish we were further out. 69 sometimes keeps me up at night with those semis and bikers.
Time to say, tootle doo; up to late already.
However, while she celebrates the negative, feelings for Derek keeps dropping in. We talk about him when she needs to, but I don't mention it otherwise. Spooky thing though: she came across a blond look-a-like! Man, the blond and him could be brothers! (Oh, Derek is a red head.)
Another good note: a new mattress for Garry and my bed, which means I will be back in the bedroom. We do need a bigger bed, but the mattress was the big problem. For him to get the support he needed, he had to "nest" himself, and two nesters don't sleep well in the same bed. Doesn't matter what type of mattress I have, I still nest. Now, the next thing to deal with is getting him to keep the tv off all night, and keeping the heat down. Don't get me wrong, I love to be warm, but when I sleep, the heat sucks! Let me cover up some. Usually he is the one with the heat down low, usually the one with the air blasting in the summer, but not lately. Think the meds have something to do with it; not sure. Plus, now, no reading in bed. It is so funny; I can't have the tv on, but he can't have study light on. Well, neither can I when I lay down to sleep; I can't have any lights on, and absolutely no sound except nature. Oh how I wish we were further out. 69 sometimes keeps me up at night with those semis and bikers.
Time to say, tootle doo; up to late already.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Dream or Not to Dream
"The Cheek of God" spoke on a dream he had recently. His words made me think about the dream I had early this morning.
If I had time I would go into the dream full detail. Here is the short version. Remember the remake of "War of the Worlds"? I haven't watched that movie for over a year now, but anyhow, I see the ships shining their little lights to the ground searching and sucking up people. I suggest everyone go into the basement and get under the concrete flooring (our house has wood floors, except for one room). I see people outside fascinated taking pictures, making the whole scene a family outing. My dream jumps from herding the family to the basement to me being a slave by the alien race. I remember helping helping someone find an escape route, lying to my master who doesn't know about the underground tunnel, but never attempt to escape myself. I haven't been under their "control" for long. I'm dressed all in white. Many of us are herded out a door. I look for my slice on comfy shoes but am told that I do not need them, slaves are not allowed footwear. I say I need them. The master's reply, or at least one of them, "Where you are going, the journey you are taking, you will not need them." I remember thinking, "Why didn't I try to escape, why am I so complacent and willing to go with the flow, as if I don't have a mind of my own, and still help others." I don't like this dream. It frightens me. I say, "Dawn wake up, this is only a dream, this cannot be real. Wake up. If I don't wake, . . . ." My eyes open facing the wall. Am I relieved! While the dream had no violence, violence of some sort lurked about in the calm demeanor of the masters and the other slaves who had no will to escape. I did not want to go there but followed, looking back, remembering children and a husband as if another life, as if in a far off land, listening to screams in the far distance as we were led off on a road of white.
Now, interpret that!
If I had time I would go into the dream full detail. Here is the short version. Remember the remake of "War of the Worlds"? I haven't watched that movie for over a year now, but anyhow, I see the ships shining their little lights to the ground searching and sucking up people. I suggest everyone go into the basement and get under the concrete flooring (our house has wood floors, except for one room). I see people outside fascinated taking pictures, making the whole scene a family outing. My dream jumps from herding the family to the basement to me being a slave by the alien race. I remember helping helping someone find an escape route, lying to my master who doesn't know about the underground tunnel, but never attempt to escape myself. I haven't been under their "control" for long. I'm dressed all in white. Many of us are herded out a door. I look for my slice on comfy shoes but am told that I do not need them, slaves are not allowed footwear. I say I need them. The master's reply, or at least one of them, "Where you are going, the journey you are taking, you will not need them." I remember thinking, "Why didn't I try to escape, why am I so complacent and willing to go with the flow, as if I don't have a mind of my own, and still help others." I don't like this dream. It frightens me. I say, "Dawn wake up, this is only a dream, this cannot be real. Wake up. If I don't wake, . . . ." My eyes open facing the wall. Am I relieved! While the dream had no violence, violence of some sort lurked about in the calm demeanor of the masters and the other slaves who had no will to escape. I did not want to go there but followed, looking back, remembering children and a husband as if another life, as if in a far off land, listening to screams in the far distance as we were led off on a road of white.
Now, interpret that!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Looking for extra work / hours
Every time I decide to make an effort to just take the car for a round of "who is hiring," something stops me: usually myself because I'm too tired or frustrated, or just bummed out; last minute details I forget for the students; someone needs my attention; not enough gas in the car and no extra money to put into it. I don't want to go back to a factory, no security; I can't stand on my feet for long hours: back, knee, and angle issues; tired of being tired. Excuses, yes, I know. Mentally, I can't take on a "real" thinking job; physically, my body won't accept much. Damn, I want to make more money, I just don't want to die for it. Another dilemma: make more money and Garry's medicaid / medicare gets changed, putting more cost on us. Without me making an extra $1,500 a month, what we would have to pay out would harm us more than help us. I do need full time work that pays well. I've been pushing the children to "care" for Garry more, but that isn't happening either. Now I'm thinking about filing as a full time caregiver to Garry and teach one or two classes if allowed. This way I know Garry is being cared for, the house is kept up so he can walk through. I still haven' t given up the idea of applying for work that would require me to relocate: Garry just won't go; so that means the children would have to tend to him, do what has to be done. This whole job issue and dealing with Garry's medical issues really rubs me every day. I'm tired of living from day to day like an animal searching to fill its stomach.
I had a conversation with my son-in-law today: we talked about what . . . crap! forget the presidents name during the depression . . . did to get the economy going again. Much of what we talked about was a socialist approach, which FDR--there it is!--used. Son-in-law is a history buff, and I remembered some things from readings (outside of the classroom for reports), but a point was made in the conversation: spread the wealth; time to close the gap between the poor and the rich. Within this conversation he mentioned a friend who said, "Then you'll make this a class society." Hell, we already are; what was my son-in-law's friend thinking! Brainwashed was the first word that came into mind. Why are Americans so closed minded?
I had a conversation with my son-in-law today: we talked about what . . . crap! forget the presidents name during the depression . . . did to get the economy going again. Much of what we talked about was a socialist approach, which FDR--there it is!--used. Son-in-law is a history buff, and I remembered some things from readings (outside of the classroom for reports), but a point was made in the conversation: spread the wealth; time to close the gap between the poor and the rich. Within this conversation he mentioned a friend who said, "Then you'll make this a class society." Hell, we already are; what was my son-in-law's friend thinking! Brainwashed was the first word that came into mind. Why are Americans so closed minded?
Friday, November 13, 2009
The Blahs
Don't know why I feel so down. Feeling stuck I guess. I don't want to do anything but curl up with a few books. No TV, no students' papers, no phone calls, nothing but me and a few books until I finish them. When does Christmas get here? I'm ready for the end of the semester.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I've been contemplating . . .
on whether to post the situation my daughter now has herself in. I've been really proud of her, still am, but . . . . The best I can say is "A ONE NIGHT STAND!" What The Hell Was She Thinking! Of course, I understand it a little: the affection and attention of another surrounding her whole being; and it didn't help that the young man came out of a bad relationship not long ago himself. Now, we are waiting to see . . . . Imagine what that might be. I haven't told my husband, no sense in worrying him right now. What is happening my not have anything to do with the One Nighter: at least I hope not. To top the whole thing off, medicaid is being slow, dragging its feet on changing her main doctor. Because of this, I can't get her into a doctor yet. Home testing shows negative, but those test aren't all that reliable, are they? She sure all the symptoms. Damn! Double damn! Quadruplet damn! What does "quadruplet" even mean: four or more, or something else; am I using the wrong form; maybe not in this situation; can anyone answer me!!!!!!?
I've been staying calm during all of this, keeping the young man calm as well: "My father will kick me out" scenario. Hell, shit fire, what all can I say less than a FUCK! This is the first I've expressed any of this so far. It felt GOOD.
I've been staying calm during all of this, keeping the young man calm as well: "My father will kick me out" scenario. Hell, shit fire, what all can I say less than a FUCK! This is the first I've expressed any of this so far. It felt GOOD.
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