Etch ‘n’ Sketch

mom told me about this toy
with a silver window placed
inside a red plastic box
with two white knobs.
she told me how a black line
glided across the window
as you turned the knobs.
i saw a young girl in a movie
turn this box upside down and shake
the sketch away.

i etch with safety pin, dried up pen tips;
sketch my life of pain:
right, past; left, present.

mom wishes she could turn me upside down and shake.

I must ask:

how does one receive more readers? Michelle, I need to sit down with you so you can show me the ropes of this blogging!

Halloween Party; New Date; Medicaid; Just LIFE; me

Despite the weather, Ginet's Halloween Party went well. It was indoors, so no bonfire as planned; however, Guitar Hero had a work out.  Ginet had a date for her party. She didn't ask him, he asked her; he even contacted her (through a friend). Another date for Ginet! Another step of washing Derek out of her blood.

Garry made it to the doctors this week. The general doctor made him get the two flue shots; said that he caught the flue, either, he would possibly die due to his health. Garry went about two months without some of his medicines because of medicaid. It is a full time job keeping up with medicaid. Is the government going to pay me for my time?

If you're reading this post, please slide down and read "Chickenfucker."

I'm random tonight; please forgive the interchanges.

Garry's pain is high because of the absent medications, and she went through some withdrawal, which caused much turmoil in the house. He wasn't a person to reason with. Talking to pain, and to withdrawal is not easy, and at times impossible. Sometimes I think it would be better for him. . . . I can't even say it. His mind is still fully functional, but the body. . . . I can't imagine being in his shoes. I may have pain everyday in my lower back due to sciatic nerve damage and a torqued tailbone, but I know my pain is nowhere near his.

I'm troubled, though, for myself. I can't afford to get into any physician, and I know I need blood pressure medicine. In the last two years my blood pressure has gone up while my weight has been going down. This doesn't make sense to me. Can anyone tell me what is going on?

Ginet went to the young man's home today. She was angry with me when I asked if an adult would be home. When I picked her up tonight, I asked her what they talked about: Pokemon, and other nerd games. Have a hard time imagining this date being into those things. Being nosy, of course, I asked a few more questions. Yes, they kissed. I asked her how she felt: "Like I'm cheating on Derek." I think she took this step to see how she would react.

Last night when I took a friend of Ginet's home from the party, one of the young men that has been interested in Ginet for a long time, he said: "I like 'C.' They make a cute couple. I wish I wasn't moving, but since I am, I think he is acceptable." I told Ginet: "He wasn't jealous?" I said: "No, he was happy for you." I started to think; maybe her brothers and some of her good guy friends should be filters. Don't guys know guys best?

Something I've been seriously thinking about is taking over the care of a grandchild. I don't want to; I want my freedom from little ones; then there is responsibility for a child that can't say what is best; Garry is getting there as well; how the hell do we do this without causing serious grief for all? I feel like a bad person saying this.

Well, two . . . or is it three? papers to read, and some class planning tonight. Tomorrow I am doing for me! Don't know what yet, but something. I don't want to leave the house, but that may be the only thing I can do. Wish I knew someone I could contact tomorrow to go out somewhere for fun. Don't know of any fun safe place (I don't drink, so what is left open?).

Once again, please scroll down to "Chickenfucker," and leave a comment.

Waiting

for Ginet to get home from the Haunted Jail. They all left at ten. It is now 2:50. She doesn't has the key; and that reminds me we have to change the locks, Derek took her key and his with him. Hopefully, he lost them. Well, Ginet now has two young men interested in her. One she can't see as anything more than a big brother. The other, well . . . he is working on it. While those two are interested, she has her eyes on three other young men. One problem, they all three live in other states. They talk plenty. Thank goodness for free evenings and weekends!

Tonight she is out with a group. Of course the one young man interested in her is with them. He is a sweet young man. Seems sensible. Has been friends with her brothers for a few years; god father to my grandson.

Damn . . . I can't stay up much longer. I can feel it sitting into my body dragging me down. I was attempting to stay up and get all the students' papers read and graded tonight. No luck in that. Couldn't keep the concentration. Being ill for four days didn't help, and the way it is going now, I'll be ill again from lack of sleep. I guess some students are going to have to wait for their midterm grades. Getting sick at the wrong time doesn't help, and then again, is there a right time to get sick?

I smile to myself, think, isn't it wonderful that Ginet is getting out, not depending on some "guy" to fulfill her day. Although, I know she misses the hugging, the kissing, the . . . , all those things that come with a relationship. She's doing well. I'm proud of her. At least she is being up front with the young man now working on her . . . attention. She told him she isn't ready, she still has feelings for Derek that she needs to work through because when she does go out she feels like she is cheating. As much as she wants another relationship, she knows she isn't ready and it wouldn't be fair to the newby, not excluding herself.

Well all, good morning bed time. Can't wait. She'll have to knock loudly!!!

Chickenfucker

to Derek
for Ginet

Chicken poop
////// Concealer
////// Corn meal on beef
////// Traveling salesman
//////////////////////// Lay on the grass
//////////////////////// rubbermaid
//////////////////////// tupperware
//////////////////////// No protection in the pocket
///// Cock ////////// Cock /////////// Cock
/////////////////// a doodle
/////////////// everywhere find

Chicken poop
////// Spread eagle ///////// too many
//////////////////////////// times ///////// forms
/////////// promise //////// bells ////////// jewels
//////////////////////////// security ///////////// seafood alfredo
/////////// Brownie points in bonfire
///////////////// melt the chocolate //////////////// let it run
///////////////// fill in the body ///////////// hiding
////// with a broken shell of volunteer fireman
//////////////////////////////////// army

//////////// Don't hate me
//////////// I don't ///////// Love me
//////////// I do, I will

Chicken poop
///// in fear to be
///// in anger . . . runs
///// from self from family from self from girl from self

////////////////////// Eye socket left ripped
//////////////////////////// ripping lungs
//////////////////////////// ripping gut
//////////////////////////// ripping loins
//////////////////////////// promises ripped left ////// behind for
///////////////// Jolie ole sole at the heel of me

Chicken poop
////// Daddy wants to kill
////// Brother wants to kill
///////////////////////// the boy in the shell of a man: Chickenfucker
////// Mom . . . crying, dying for me
/////////////////////////////////// i'm the chick in fuck her

I so wish I could get the spacing in as it appears on my computer. All spacing disappears when I post. Anyone know how to combat this problem? Decided to use "///" to get the lines where they need to be. Hope it doesn't detract much from the poem. The spacing means as much as the words on this page.

Ginet's first date since Derek left.

This coming Saturday Ginet has a date with a friend of her brothers. A group of guys and gals are going to the Haunted Cave. It was funny how this date came about. It started out dutch, everyone pay for themselves. Then Ginet realized she might not have the money to go after she gets her tattoo done earlier in the day -- Yeah, She Is Getting A Tat! She text the young man to let him she may not be able to go because she may not have the cash. He said he would spot for her. She laughed, realizing that now it was a date, not going as a group. What all of you don't know, this young man has had a crush on her for at least five years. He finally admitted it. He does know that she came out of a long term relationship and isn't looking for anything serious too soon, but he was glad to make it a date. Hope she has fun!