Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Not Her Daddy


I had a hard time deciding where I wanted to put this entry: personal journal or one of my blog sites. I chose a blog site—probably two, by the time it has been placed on the internet. Anyhow, this deals with emotions stemming from seeing my granddaughter being taught how to fish by another man. It isn’t about begrudging her the opportunity or being mad at this man who isn’t her daddy; this is about the “it isn’t fair” emotion because cancer decided to take Vincent away. When I first saw the picture, I thought, Wow! She caught a fish! Then, realizing it wasn’t her daddy there doing it with her, my smile and enthusiasm diminished. It should be her daddy doing this with her. Then I thought, her uncle should be doing it with her. I am happy she caught a fish. I am happy she experienced this. I am happy someone is there to teach her (hopefully ethically). I’ve only met her stepfather once. I can’t say much about him. I only know what trickles down to me from others, and I must be careful in making a decision in what type of man he is. As a parent, I understand how a parent is critical about the chosen partner of a child. It continues on for a lifetime. That’s being a parent—protective. As I said, I don’t know her stepfather. I can only tell you what I felt as I saw the photograph. It’s hard! It’s terribly hard!

I know how much Vincent loved fishing. I remember him saying he was going to teach Chloe how to fish and to hunt—especially fish. His attitude was about having a girl that could be prissy and boyish. How much he would have accomplished depended on Sammie too (smirking as I think about it). Yes, I began to see Vincent in that photograph with Chloe sitting on his knee as the fish dangled from the fishing pole. That’s where Vincent should have been.


If anyone thinks this emotion is wrong, YOU ARE WRONG. An emotion is exactly what it needs to be because God gave them to us—all of them! It’s what you do with an emotion that decides right or wrong. So, I took the time to cry and took the time to discuss it with Chris. No matter, I will always have this feeling and need to deal with it—someone other raising my boy’s little girl. I can’t change what happened to Vincent; I can’t change how I feel; the only control I have is to face it and deal with it. AND PLEASE don’t tell me I can change how I feel—if you haven’t been in my position, you have no place telling me a thing. I’m sure other grandparents out there understand.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

2014 11:59PM to 2015 12:00AM

 I realize this isn't a rant in the sense of GRRRRR but a rant nonetheless.

Chris and I go out New Year’s Eve. We pay David to be the designated driver. To my surprise, Ginet shows up with her friend Logan. I'm leery about Ginet's presence. We have a history that came to bad terms when I had to leave her father. Now, she is sitting at the table with me, talking, even joking with my fiancĂ©. We are playing with the hats and the noise makers, talking about silly things, nothing serious; I won’t touch anything serious at this point. The whole idea of tonight is to relax. Honestly, I’m not a person to get smashed in public; a little tipsy, yeah. I’m the responsible one, the person who will keep some wits to help the person who is smashed—namely, my fiancĂ©. The last time I was even near smashed was two weeks before Thanksgiving when we went down to his friend’s in Anderson. So, through all this silliness, we creep onto the subject of Vincent. At this date, my son has been gone nearly two years, passing away due to cancer. Vincent loved having fun on New Year’s Eve. The last one I remember is the night at his older sister’s place (the daughter who has said I am dead to her). The dancing he did. The jokes he made from nothing. He found humor in places that most didn’t think possible. I would say his humor was close to Robin Williams. Right now, I envision Vincent in place of Fluffy (Gabriel Iglesias). Vincent was never Fluffy, not even close to Fluffy; Vincent, according to Gabriel’s measurements would be twig. Anyhow, we are trying to be Vincent now. It isn’t working. The alcohol in me is plenty. I know it is time to stop just by how my emotions are playing out. I don’t like the feeling of watching myself from within my body. I begin to cry. Chris is still somewhat able to respond. He notices. He hugs me tight, kisses me, says, “I love you; it’s okay.” He tells David. David kneels himself in front of me, and says, “Don’t think about it.” Then Ginny figures out what is going on. She yells across the table (over the music, which is country at the moment), saying, “Don’t cry. Don’t think. Have fun.” I cry more. Before I know it, she is hugging me, speaking into my ear, “I love you Mom; I miss him too; don’t make me cry.” The first three words echo between my ears: “I love you.” How long had it been since she said those words and meant them? The last time I heard her say these words I knew she had forced it, had not really meant them. I cry harder. In the years of Vincent’s illness and the divorce, I loss three children: Vincent to cancer, Jessica to hatred, bitterness, and lies, and Ginet to confusion and lies.


Ginny has returned; however, my heart is still leery. I’m afraid to get too close. Right now, we work on friendship. After a birthday party for William, she comes by the house to tan—no prying eyes where I live. She asks me what I think of her boyfriend. I can’t tell her much because I’ve only seen him once, and we didn’t talk: “He looks like a hillbilly.” “Hell, he’s a redneck, just like I like ‘em!” I smile and shake my head: “As long as you are happy.”

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Wiki

There was a heated debate about the use of wiki under one of my post on FaceBook. The idea of arguing such made me mad. I knew when my fiance posted the wiki information that someone would say something. I almost said something myself but understood his reasoning for this post before asking him--some good sources are available to lead you to the best information instead of him doing the work for someone else. I knew someone would make a remark--one of my two friends. Then, the debate begin. I recognized the heat immediately. Both persons had valid points though couldn't see beyond each others ways of thinking. I don't like it when my friends seem to place me in the middle--even if they didn't or didn't intend to. I can't stand conflict of any type. I'm always attempting to keep the peace. Even when I want to argue my point, I'm careful about how I say it. I don't like hurting anyone unless it is absolutely necessary to get a good solid point across because the person has decided not to look at all the angles before making a decision. I guess it is time for me to be blunt: I'M NOT A PEACEKEEPER ANYMORE! FUCK YOU ALL! I won't post this on FB because I won't make waves. (Once again, I cannot stand conflict; it nauseates me, literally.) This is my ranting page, and I will use it for exactly that. Anyhow, this is what was said by me about wiki:

As an educator, wiki is not a source to be on a work cited page because it is inconstant change by many; however, it is a source to begin finding other sources that will ultimately be worthy or unworthy. Even the unworthy can help in research by establishing falsifications believed by the general population. I don't condone the use of wiki as a reliable source, only a source to begin groundwork--though wiki can be very reliable as long as everything has been cited. There are far worse sites than wiki on the internet. Many are seen on FB. Teaching students how to use sources reliably is key, and part of my discussion in the classroom every semester. You would be surprised how many teachers allow students to use wiki as an acceptable source for essays. It isn't that wiki is a "no good" site; It's a site that isn't always reliable. With that said, there are written sources just as unreliable and often less reliable then wiki. (Edited--after getting onto the computer)

Everyone, HAVE A FUMING GOOD DAY!

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Broken

I read that post about "no name." Strangely, that person I could not name was the beginning of knowing I was broken and that it was okay to be broken. I had to know I was broken to mend myself. I had to see the broken me. Being broken isn't bad. I have to say we are all broken in some way. Some of us have great brokenness, some of us small brokenness--usually unnoticeable. (The unnoticeable brokenness is usually the unwillingness to see, or what you have been taught as acceptable.) People are broken because people are human. Humanity isn't perfect. This is a fact. Now, with that said, there is a wholeness in the brokenness. If a person never knows s/he is broken, I believe, s/he will never know her- / himself. If a person cannot see the break, the same errors are made. The question probably becomes if the person likes the cycle. Some cycles are hard to stop. I've realized that all I can do is mend those areas and keep a watch for those scars to break open. Those scars never go away. Those scars are there for a purpose. Those scars are a reminder of where you were and where you are going and who you are to become., and a reminder that YOU ARE HUMAN. Human is being an adventure. What is your goal in your becoming? Will you reach that goal? Who is it you want to be? I cannot name that goal, or can any other person. Remember, being broken isn't bad. Being broken is experience and what you do with that experience to become.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

JOB CHANGE NEEDED

I made this site to rant, did I not? Here is my rant:

I have come up against the issue of students' believing that revision doesn't need to be done after I have reviewed and made comments on their drafts to help them, only to get the SAME exact draft returned as a final. Then . . . then! . . . to have a student plagiarize and say "It's a misunderstanding"! Misunderstanding? What? When all I have done is STRESSED no plagiarism, saying the essay is ALL YOURS, WRITTEN BY YOU, WITH YOUR WORDS. Even a simple journal plagiarized! My nerves are at an end. I no longer want to instruct. I want another job. There's, also, playing the discrimination card; yes, saying I discriminated because the student ISN'T making the grade s/he believes s/he should have: "I must have an 'A.' If I don't get an 'A,' my perfect GPA is messed up; I won't get into nursing," and on and on and on. PLEASE, really, now, if I was discriminating, all the students that were another race wouldn't be passing or getting much less. I'M DONE! I am searching for a different job, only to hear, "Your education makes you over qualified; this isn't a job for you; you can do much more; blah blah blah." Guess what?! If I wanted to do something else, I wouldn't be applying. I'm not an idiot! I need out of education! Tired of husbands getting in the mix, as if a wife can't take care of herself; tired of the "helicopter" parent pushing his or her agenda for an adult child; tired of students thinking "You owe me; I paid for this class; since I work and raise children, you can't be tough on me." GARBAGE. I went to college while raising FOUR children and working part time and married and taking care of a house! You choose the path, you do the path, or get off of that path! I OWE YOU NOTHING BUT A THE BEST EDUCATION POSSIBLE! So, here I am, looking for a different career. The career I want . . . --it is a slow process to make it, to become, to be recognized. For now, I will take the simple receptionist work until my work is published. If publication doesn't come, . . . . It is time to put my work in a self made book and kept, in hopes to be released another time or online--an ebook. I don't want to. There's no real money in that unless, once again, YOU ARE FOUND. However, it is about getting my work to the public, getting my work read, getting my work to the people for my benefit and satisfaction in hoping they are getting the same.

As soon as I'm offered a position where I don't have to give grades, I'm out of the education field. My nerves can't do it!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

A Journey to Happiness

It has been a journey, a very long journey, which I hope I never have to take again. I've come to realize that the answers I give to a question are neither right or wrong (in most situations) on this journey; the answers aren't always right for someone else. Sometimes, it isn't about pleasing others; it is about doing what looks right, feels right, and appears to be logically right (life isn't all math), and sometimes just gut wrenching right. Not everyone is going to agree because they do not see it as I do; they are not standing in my space, my time. That doesn't mean I don't ask what others see. When it comes down to it, will I be happy while making everyone happy, will I be miserable while making everyone else miserable, or will I be miserable while making everyone happy. Call it being selfish--I'll take me be happy almost every time now. I know there are things to be done regardless of how I like it--job, bills, those types of items. In time, I can change those too but, often, it is what has to be done, now, due to unexpected things or because it is the only thing available and it is needed, now. When all is said and done, can I live with myself? Yes, I make mistakes, no doubt, and those mistakes might not be mistakes per se, just bumps in the road or out-of-my-control scenarios.

For the first time, I can say I am happy. It has taken me a long while to get here. I don't have much: I'm still struggling financially, I'm staying with relatives as I keep plugging away at finding a full time job and working on my writing, researching publishers. I do have a few poems published, which most have been published within the last year. I've found my nitch.

While I am happy, I do miss my daughters. I see them physically but have no real contact with them. They have both made it clear I am responsible for everything. What they are saying, whether they realize it or not, I am responsible for their happiness. I know I am not. Happiness comes from within. However, a person can make you miserable, though, if you let that person. At least, that is partially true. As I experienced the anger and bitterness of my ex, I realized there are times people go out of their way to hurt a person. Hurt causes unhappiness. It is hard to learn to get pass the hurt, the part of the hurt that makes the unhappy feelings, and allow it to just be, knowing hurt can be felt but doesn't have to control. Once I learned this, no matter what was thrown at me, I handled it and did what made me happy. It is hard, very hard, and I still have to work through it.

There is one thing that takes more time to get through: grief. I mostly grieve for Vincent. I miss him. I do grieve for my daughters' absences. Also, I have grieved for the lost of 32 years with a man I thought I knew. Now, I look back (actually read my past journals) and learn more and more about me, and the how of what went wrong. The wrong started 10 years into the marriage. That isn't what I want to discuss in this paragraph, though. Grieving: I grieve for the loss of me but rejoice in the new creation; I grieve for my living son, David, who attempts to deal with issues that he doesn't know or understand, and doesn't realize they are not his to deal with--but he's getting there; I grieve for Vincent, mostly. I know he is gone and the living cannot live for the dead (or is it the dead living for the living.) Does it matter? I am happy but it doesn't mean I don't grieve; it doesn't mean I don't hurt; it doesn't mean I forget. Happiness means forgiving and doing your best to love, even in the hardest situations.

Happiness is a condition of forgiving. Do realize, sometimes, it means walking away from a situation that won't change because another or others are unwilling to change it--even if it means walking away from those you love (before it becomes bitterness). I was heading that way; I was right at the beginning of it before I left Garry. I remember the last time I saw Garry, I had two different distinct feelings--pity and disgust. I haven't seen him since then. I would like to test myself to see if the disgust has left. Some days I could say yes, other days I say no. I wonder if I have fully forgiven him for his behavior and lies, which, also, damaged my relationship with our daughters. I had responsibility in it, my daughters had responsibility in it but Garry dug into the situations between the girls and me to have them walk away from me. I guess I haven't forgiven him for taking a mother away from my daughters. I still need work here. This doesn't change Happiness is a condition of forgiving. Some hurts are just harder than others to . . . get past. Reading the journals do help because I have more understanding of all the whys had. In time, I will be able to give full forgiveness.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

I'm not sure who reads this blog anymore. I'm hoping to pick up some new people, or at least peek the interest of those who use to read this blog. After reading through my post, I can see how much I've changed. Some of me has grown up much more; parts of me has "grown down"--as it is said in Mama Mia; most of me has become wiser, learning how to let go of the bitterness better. Here is to a better life, more wisdom, and a continuous growth.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

It is 2014

I don't recall the date on this site that I last posted. Here is a quick update:

The divorce was finalized November 5, 2011.
My son died March 4, 2013.
I became engaged December 31, 2012.
Planned wedding date was September 29, 2013.
Delayed wedding due to circumstances that doesn't deal with the relationship between hubby and me.
Reset date for wedding is 2014.

I plan on coming back and writing much more.

Please stay tune for books I hope to have published in 2014 / 2015: The Required Silence of Woman and Cancer Cells.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Time has gone by . . . .

Yes, time has gone by, most quickly, and yet . . . time has been slow. Which is it? I don't know. It has been over a year since Vincent was found with cancer (09/26/2010). It has been over a year since my separation (12/22/2010). The divorce finalized last year (11/04/2011--same day I read for First Friday at the Three Rivers Coop on Sherman Street in Fort Wayne, IN.). Ironic? I read freeing pieces, pieces that spoke much about how I could breathe, and do breathe, now. So, where am I? I'm still instructing composition. I'm still writing. I'm still looking for work that brings home the bucks. I'm dating . . . and dating . . . and . . . just dating (giggling, because it is fun and it is a headache). I think back to all that happened since just before 09/2010. Seems so long ago, and not so far away. The evilness of time.

Here's to life. Here's to being single. Here's to dating. Here's to the struggles. Here's to once being married.

Married: I started this blog because of my ex-husband's disability and how it effected me and the children. I was hoping for something to help me explore how to keep my sanity, to help me cope, to help me help him. I forgot, a person can't help another unless that said person wants help. I kept fighting to stay "in" love. While most will tell me it isn't impossible, it becomes impossible when the partner fails to listen to the partner--hey, we're drowning here! Well, all the best to my ex. I wish him no harm.

Plenty with that above. Dear children, especially my daughters, do remember I am your mother, and there is a verse that you have not remembered: honor your parents--that includes me! regardless of how you feel about what has happened between your father and I. One thing that I do hold against your father, telling you children things that happened that was between him and I, no one else. Here is a tidbit that I kept as a secret for years: when your aunt Dawn was going through her divorce, your father looked at me, said, "You ever leave me, I'll take the children, and you'll never see them again." While he can't physically steel you away, he has emotionally, keeping said promise. Revenge tactic? No. a statement of truth to show how your father is thinking, and does think. I doubt you ever read this, but to those others that do, NEVER USE YOUR CHILDREN.

Well, I'll be back again. How soon, I don't know, but I will be back.

So long.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Thank you to those who have helped me along my journey in the past year.

I have met many people since my separation, and I use the word people because I have not met men only. Some good friendships have developed over the past year, friendships I will not discard at a whim. There are men to be listed, there are women to be listed, but my time won't allot for such a list. Anyhow, I'm here to say that there are a few men I must thank on my journey that have touched me in some way and have taught me something about me that I lost long ago. Let me start with Johnny, a dear man, a retired ministered. Thank you for showing me the beauty that I do have from within me, the beauty I had forgotten existed. Showing me this beauty began to allow me to be me. I'm still working on being me, but I am me, now, more than I have ever been. There is Jim, a retired monster truck driver--yeah, monster truck driver, of all things. Well, he as well helped me find that beauty within, not by scolding me, as Johnny did at times, when I needed it the most, but by just listening, by being there at the oddest moments, and just calling me "cute" when I would say exactly what I felt. Then, there is Rod, a retired bull rider--boy, I have them in every line of work! Rod taught me what signals to look for, those mixed signals, those signals that are so subtle, unless you've been played often, you just don't recognize them. No matter, Rod will always have a special place in my heart. Of course, there is Ken (not Kenny), who I did decide to live with. It was brief. That brief excursion taught me I can stand up for myself, I can face a man who gets into my face, that I am strong even when I am weak. And Kenny (yes there are two Kens--lol), who made me realize I can pick who I want, that I am not limited, that I do have beauty on the outside. Some part of me knew this, but the insecurity of age always keeps this at bay. Then there is Peter, a very spiritual man. I thank him for the church, his family, his love and nonjudgmental way, but also his constructive criticism of my situation. He helped me open up my heart more to God, to see God, to feel God in a fuller presence. I doubt I will be leaving Agape Fellowship any time soon. The spirit abounds in this place. There are many Sundays I don't want to leave, the people, or the building. Peter and his family, and the church family, have been a tremendous blessing. Without them this holiday season, I doubt I would have made it through. And there is still Christmas. Lastly, at this moment on my travels, is Kurt, a Christian biker. I do have to admit I have deep feelings for him; where it goes I do not know. Kurt has brought all the previous meetings to a full circle. I am me in his presence. I hide nothing of who I am. If Kurt and I do not become significant others, there will always be a close friendship, without doubt. Meeting him has made me understand that all of me can be acceptable, that I need not hide any of me. These men have become good good friends on my journey after the separation and Vincent's initial battle with cancer. I must also thank Tom for being there with his Lutheran wisdom when I needed it the most, him not judging me as I made my transition, allowing me to see friendship, even at a distance, is a great blessing. Tom, I hope you read this. So, on this journey, in the aspects of male friendships, it has been good. Of course, this does not exclude the female friends made on this journey as well. The most notable friends of course, before this journey began are Kiersten, Tammy, and Tobey. The other notable friends are Mona, Lisa, Cathy, and Nancy--none of these four even live in the state of Indiana. If anyone would say it was impossible to have friends you've never met in person, I would argue my case against such thoughts. Cathy kept the jokes coming. Mona just listen and gave wisdom of God. Lisa sat through long nights with me. Nancy and I had things in common, number one being grandchildren. Thank you to each of you. All is much appreciated. God does send people to you, even people that might not be the best just to give you a lesson much needed. And Kenny, I hope you get your phone back soon! Miss our conversations much!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

It has been forever since I've been here.

Tonight I come here with hope in my heart. It has been a long long road. I do wonder how many of you still look at this site. Anyhow, I have found a freedom I never knew before, and in that freedom came a choice place upon my heart. In time I hope to reveal all. As of now, it is good for me to say, I am happy--in a strange way because this happiness has a funny twist. Can't explain this but much will become evident as the days go on. I wait on God to do the work promised, in me--more completely, in my family (and yes that includes my ex-husband Garry), my friends--old and new, in the church I have come to enjoy, and even in those who have caused me problems in the past--those that are labeled as an enemy. God's grace, love, blessings be on you all!

Monday, June 6, 2011

No name

I cannot speak the name here; I cannot speak the name among my family; only my closest friends can hear this name. It pains me. This name came to me without looking, without knowing it should be. I wished, I prayed, I gave up, I prayed, I wished, I decided to just be, just be in all my pain. The name came without a notice, the name came. I want to speak the name all the time, but cannot; forbidden it is to speak such a name, to speak a name that causes a smile, a laugh, a feeling of peace. I cannot speak this name. Happiness is forbidden, for now, for now. No name. No name.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Proceedings to Begin

It has been many months since I have been here. Much has happened in those months. I don't know if there is time to put it all down here, at least not tonight. I have been accused of much.  I do not attempt to defend myself because the mind of those who accuse are set on what they believe. Time is my ally now; pain is my guest for this time; friendships are my leaning post. Ginet will not speak to me unless absolutely necessary. Jess is Jess, but bitter with me often. David takes no sides, which is the way it should be. Vincent . . . well, he deals with his issue. He isn't happy about dad and me, but he will survive.

Vincent's cancer appears to be gone, but nothing can be positively concluded until September when most of the scar tissue from radiation has subsided, leaving the doctors to see what is "really" there. Chemotherapy does not fair well with Vincent. Treatments have been altered three times since February. The doctors believe that therapy might have to be stopped because his body cannot take it. He has had at least four transfusions that I can remember, but I believe it is more; and one transfusion--beyond the regular transfusions--has been for platelets. Half of Vincent's bone marrow is depleted. Pretty much, if he gets cancer again, he won't make it. Steroids are tearing up his body. I keep praying he will be off of them soon. Well, so is the chemo. Vincent struggles to be motivated to do his physical therapy, his occupational therapy, and speech therapy. His stroke has made him become weak hearted mentally, feeling as if there is no need to do anything. Prayers please.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

A rough, pitted, rocky, knee wretching journey begins.

Well, Garry knows now. His reactions are desperate. While I'm excited for Vincent to go home, it only means closer contact with Garry. For a year I have reflected back to see how my feelings changed only to realize how many times I fought to stay in love with Garry. The work was always on my side, everytime; he couldn't see where any fault lie with him. Now, I feel sick when I have to go home to get things. I've been told to set ground rules. If I can get it where we can talk without him trying to touch me, to kiss me. I wanted to have the money to just move out before I ever said anything; I was given no choice to the when. I was cornered when I came home to wash clothes and take care of other needs. Pleaes pray for me as I take this step forward, as I walk this road.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I can say it clearly without feeling guilty

For the first time, I wrote the word "divorce" in my journal. Yes, I wrote the word "divorce." I kept from putting anything in my journal in fear that someone would pick it up, read it, then run off to tell the person I haven't spoken to yet. Well, that time is coming very soon. I'm figuring withing the month. I thought it would have been at the end of November, but I wanted to speak to a pastor first for some spiritual guidance as I take this step. My heart figured out long before my mind that I am no longer "in" love with Garry. I do not feel guilty. As I weighed the reasons to "not" file for a divorce, to the "do" of filing for a divorce, the do's were heavier. I also made a list of all those arguments that people would come up with in an attempt to stop me from following through. The fact about all of this is, I don't love Garry, I am not happy being with him, and I realized I have fought to stay in love with him for at least 20 years--the last 20 years that we have been married. In those 20 yeas, I went to counseling three times (without him because he wouldn't go). The focus was on "what could I change about me, and in doing so, change him." Or, "what could I do for him to get what I need in return"? Wait. Just wait. Something wrong with this picture? I'm not going back. Twice before I didn't love him and fought to regain it, all to my determent, which unhappiness most of the time, feeling empty and lonely, and doing most of the marriage as a single parent.  I will no longer live this way. If I am going to be lonely, I will be lonely because there isn't someone there physically, not lonely with someone there physically with no emotional conscious of me or my feelings, my cares, my hurts, my frustrations, or not backing me without my implicit planted foot to "prove" it is good for me to do this. His actions never needed my approval. My actions always needed his. And then, when I asked for his input, he was always to busy until I made the decision "he didn't like." Argh, I do not want to write a tagent here. Anyhow, this is where I stand; so friends, now you know what my new futurre is. I know it will be hard, but it is time to step out and see the world through free eyes.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I may have failed . . .

Love is a tricky emotions to understand with so many nuances and avenues, all the different types of love that exists--that is to say I came to love the foundation in a soul that my husband has never filled in me. No, I did not have an affair. This is a love that is friendship, a deep friendship, a friendship that shares who we are without fear of the other judging. We might question the other, but we do not judge. When I figured out this "love," I questioned myself morals, the traditions, and what it was that made this love possible. This other person fights for my emotional well-being as I fight for "Taylor's"--I use a neutral gender name for protection of self and other. There is no other attraction within this "relationship." We have agreed; we are emotionally there for each other. "Taylor" fights to remind me how strong I am; I fight to remind "Taylor" about the strength possessed within "Taylor," remind each other daily our strengths that carry us forward--Taylor has his demons, I have mind: together we fight.

Now, knowing that I no longer love my husband, and I have figured it is due to the lack of emotional support throughout our marriage and his inability to fight even with support, I pray for the guidance upon the decision I have made. Most of what will occur in the months to come will be lain at my husband's feet; his decision will decide my final decision; however, separation at this moment is needed for him to first see--I think this illness of Vincent's has started that, but he still continues in self pity and pushing others away. I doubt complete understanding will come for him--faith has always been an issue for him. I guess I'm trying to say, I want a complete man (not necessarily a man that has nothing physically wrong), a complete man that fights and supports as much as I do.

I thank you "Taylor," even if you do not make it through your turmoil for showing me how love works. I hope you read this.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Building Blocks

The dishes stay stacked      (like Richter 10 buildings)        on the counter
in both sides of the sink                                My eyes count the hour
      hand by hand into the rack      (the difficulty of shaping)
empty                   and full                 at every moment                             just one      (pulled out of place implodes)      could be wasted
      for    . . .

--I must ask myself over and over
What am I doing here--

                pen to hit the paper                       drop a word                       shatter a letter
                (rupture)                                             (toppling)                            (rubble)

--One letter, just one letter                        Dear Jesus
                Please rescue me
                                find the time to take away the cancer--

This is a waste
repeating a task                                                                     that repeats before I’ve finished
       Anaphora
at its best

More on Polar with Mom

Dawn Luebke November 3 at 1:14pm
Okay, we have a second word becoming more visible: more. Then, with occupational therapy, she was able to get him to say, "oh yeah," which is part of the order of the vowels he has been practicing: ae, o, oo, i (long e sound), and eye (forgot the phonetics for 'i'). He even said MOM today! Ha ha, I was able to hear MOM! Yesterday the speech therapist worked on picture board, identifying yes and no, pointing to it to communicate. His grade for the test given was 75%. Have to always make sure he is looking at the board.

On the physical side, when I left this morning, he was able to roll his right hand. It took a long time to get the message from the brain to the hand, but he did it. I could see the muscles contracting, the arm wanting to obey, and I could see the rest of his body working to make it so. I hope he is stood up today, placed in a chair, and sits for an hour before radiation.

And . . . the x-ray showed pneumonia depleted.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Sketch Sixteen

The Hall

In the hall of Lutheran Hospital, the hall that connects the third floor of the Orthopedics Hospital to the regular part of the hospital are windows on each side--large windows that a car can go through, windows that start two feet from the floor and stop two feet from the ceiling, windows that aren't divided by much except about every three to five, where a piece of wall jets out. The windows are situated much like window seats without a cushions. In this hall are three offices and a small boutique center, which is no longer in business. The offices and the empty boutique divide up one side of the hall, making a center nook, the place where I sleep in the evening. This is how the three offices and the empty boutique are arranged: The empty boutique and one office is placed closes to the regular hospital, the office down the hall. Some 30 feet is left for chairs and tables, the nook I mentioned, before the next two offices appear. After those offices, another open space where the windowed-wall cuts into the doors that lead to the Orthopedics Hospital. The offices, upon inspection one day, when noticing a door open, has the very same large windows as the hallway. Here, in the nook, a pocket of sorts, is my bedroom by night. The chairs and couches in this part of the hall are different from those in the other cubby hole area and the waiting are for ICU, except for the chairs used around the tables. (I must stop this observation briefly to tell you about one conversation I can hear, one of many that becomes part of this hallway: much grief finds its way to this hall. An older gentleman with a midlife women pass me to stand in front of the empty boutique. She begins to cry, he pats her back, in a hug I suspect, but I can hear the light patting; whispers and whimpers persist. There is much of this here; and still there is laughter as families meet, coming to know grief, often over an older person, not the young--the young are few here.)

Back to those windows; they intrigue me. The large windows allow vision to the construction of the main hospital, a fifth floor addition. Sometimes I imagine the crane not functioning correctly, the items upon its lift smashing through the hall. Here, it is quieter, even during the day, less traffic, even when the carts come barreling through with equipment and people walking to and from each hospital. The waiting room is always full, the elevator always busy.

As I attempt to finish this sketch, I am not in the hallway. I cannot honestly recall the wall colors. I can see the pattern in the chairs: the green and green blue colors. As vivid as I think the pattern is in my mind, as often as I have it, I'm without words to describe it because it is not in front of me. At a glance, from memory, a person can assume it is camouflage, which I say it is, but the pattern . . . I must see it, is not truly leaves and twigs--or is it. I've yet to determine if there is a genuine pattern with all the times I have stared at it. (Again grief can be heard as I sit alone in the hallway, sit on one of the couches that make up my makeshift bed late at night; a man talking to a brother, a sister, I do not know who, but someone who comes across as family by the way he speaks. His mother has been sent her from St. Joe. The situation is not good. She has been made more ill by the actions taken at St. Joe. His anger doesn't override his grief, but his voice speaks the pain of negligence, of lawsuit. The many different issues that bring us here.)

I have made time to write while in the hallway. My makeshift bed all tore down, I sit looking about me. The walls are a dirty cream, not quite a tan with a peach tint. Those chairs--let me get to them in a moment. The floor is carpeted: green mainly, a dark green, probably a hunter green with a cream and barn red in a splattered patterns highlighting the greens. This carpet comes in a darker type pattern as well, which creates a square outline in some areas of the hall--well this one is rectangle. Now for the chairs and couches: a person can witness leaves and twigs, but the lay out of the pattern is very deceptive because squares come in--some squares have tattered edges. There are a few vines with leaves at the tips, but don't stand out. The colors of this pattern also throws a person off: slate gray, off-dirty white, three to four tones of green with a blue hint in them. The couch pattern I've stared at mostly develops its own character, an entity, as if it shifts shapes, moves as if uncomfortable with its being: an eye within a jaw, the jaw jetting out sharply like that of a broken skull where the jaw protrudes. This same pattern repeats, but because of its position on this couch it stands alone.

There are two coffee tables in here; all the tables are alike among the three areas. The top is bordered by light colored wood, the same wood used for the legs (and beneath most likely). It feels like polished compressed wood. The top itself might be formica, a tan, brown mixture of colors in a splattered-marbled pattern.

Oh, those chairs have wood along the back and the cushions are divided by the same wood, making the couches look like individual seats, three side by side. The couches and chairs are wood framed benches of sort.

On one wall hangs a TV--LG; a light switch at the edge of this wall (this is the wall against the centered offices). Across from it, on the other wall, hangs a picture. Until now, I have not noticed it, I have not paid attention to it, nor looked at it.

I will not be finishing this sketch unless my son is placed back into ICU. He has moved to the regular part of the hospital, meaning he is better. There is much more to sketch.

Friday, October 29, 2010

I find myself writing . . .

in my head, but I have no pen, no paper, no laptop, and when I do, I am often too tired, wishing there was a recorder attached to my brain to record the words that come through. I should be sleeping. I said goodnight to my friends, to my family, finished the movie, but find myself here. The one night I can be in bed early. Multiple visions bombard me as each turn of events happen; it is like life projected through a movie camera. Some of you will find this statement odd, bizarre, scary, creepy, while saying, she is nuts: the spirit world will not leave me alone, and I'm not talking dreams alone. I only get peace at night by making sure I say a prayer not only for Vince and the family, but for myself, then fall asleep praying (I must--this is the only relief). For those of you who do not believe, there is no light I can share on this; if you have not experienced it, you will not understand. Many years ago I closed this door. The door is no longer shut. I do not believe I am to shut it, now, or ever again. I ask for continual prayers as I learn to adjust to this life, both dealing with what the family is dealing with and what has returned to me.

Most of my time is now spent in the hospital. If I am not on campus, I am here, with the exception of being home on occasion. Vincent is dictating some my decisions right now. I have managed four nights away since the beginning of this ordeal, only because Vincent has said he felt comfortable with me leaving or because necessity said I had to. If any of you want to help in another way, other than prayers, send up some home cooked meals, plus a gas card or two--if possible (I do not fear begging right now).

As soon as I can, I have a sketch to put up: the hospital hallway I spent most of my nights in. I have many more sketches planned out. Time mostly consists of listening to information, learning the therapies Vincent must do, understanding treatments, grading students' work and planning for classes, making phone calls and texts--texts keeping attached to the outside world, dealing with home issues from the hospital, and working on getting Vincent's paperwork down (with the help of my daughter, who is handling most of that end). If you say you can't imagine this, you are right, you can't. I still can't, but I am doing it. While I am becoming more accustomed to the new lifestyle, it is still surreal (the word that sums it up best). Out of all I have watched done, there is still one aspect I cannot take--the secretions that Vincent must clear from his chest everyday via the trachea. I guess that's my biggest weakest.

If you wish to follow what is happening more closely, my oldest daughter does well keeping Vinny's Journey page posted on FaceBook. If you don't find it with those two words, add PNET, the short term for the type of cancer he has.

I will attempt more journeys here. I need to.