It has been a journey, a very long journey, which I hope I never have to take again. I've come to realize that the answers I give to a question are neither right or wrong (in most situations) on this journey; the answers aren't always right for someone else. Sometimes, it isn't about pleasing others; it is about doing what looks right, feels right, and appears to be logically right (life isn't all math), and sometimes just gut wrenching right. Not everyone is going to agree because they do not see it as I do; they are not standing in my space, my time. That doesn't mean I don't ask what others see. When it comes down to it, will I be happy while making everyone happy, will I be miserable while making everyone else miserable, or will I be miserable while making everyone happy. Call it being selfish--I'll take me be happy almost every time now. I know there are things to be done regardless of how I like it--job, bills, those types of items. In time, I can change those too but, often, it is what has to be done, now, due to unexpected things or because it is the only thing available and it is needed, now. When all is said and done, can I live with myself? Yes, I make mistakes, no doubt, and those mistakes might not be mistakes per se, just bumps in the road or out-of-my-control scenarios.
For the first time, I can say I am happy. It has taken me a long while to get here. I don't have much: I'm still struggling financially, I'm staying with relatives as I keep plugging away at finding a full time job and working on my writing, researching publishers. I do have a few poems published, which most have been published within the last year. I've found my nitch.
While I am happy, I do miss my daughters. I see them physically but have no real contact with them. They have both made it clear I am responsible for everything. What they are saying, whether they realize it or not, I am responsible for their happiness. I know I am not. Happiness comes from within. However, a person can make you miserable, though, if you let that person. At least, that is partially true. As I experienced the anger and bitterness of my ex, I realized there are times people go out of their way to hurt a person. Hurt causes unhappiness. It is hard to learn to get pass the hurt, the part of the hurt that makes the unhappy feelings, and allow it to just be, knowing hurt can be felt but doesn't have to control. Once I learned this, no matter what was thrown at me, I handled it and did what made me happy. It is hard, very hard, and I still have to work through it.
There is one thing that takes more time to get through: grief. I mostly grieve for Vincent. I miss him. I do grieve for my daughters' absences. Also, I have grieved for the lost of 32 years with a man I thought I knew. Now, I look back (actually read my past journals) and learn more and more about me, and the how of what went wrong. The wrong started 10 years into the marriage. That isn't what I want to discuss in this paragraph, though. Grieving: I grieve for the loss of me but rejoice in the new creation; I grieve for my living son, David, who attempts to deal with issues that he doesn't know or understand, and doesn't realize they are not his to deal with--but he's getting there; I grieve for Vincent, mostly. I know he is gone and the living cannot live for the dead (or is it the dead living for the living.) Does it matter? I am happy but it doesn't mean I don't grieve; it doesn't mean I don't hurt; it doesn't mean I forget. Happiness means forgiving and doing your best to love, even in the hardest situations.
Happiness is a condition of forgiving. Do realize, sometimes, it means walking away from a situation that won't change because another or others are unwilling to change it--even if it means walking away from those you love (before it becomes bitterness). I was heading that way; I was right at the beginning of it before I left Garry. I remember the last time I saw Garry, I had two different distinct feelings--pity and disgust. I haven't seen him since then. I would like to test myself to see if the disgust has left. Some days I could say yes, other days I say no. I wonder if I have fully forgiven him for his behavior and lies, which, also, damaged my relationship with our daughters. I had responsibility in it, my daughters had responsibility in it but Garry dug into the situations between the girls and me to have them walk away from me. I guess I haven't forgiven him for taking a mother away from my daughters. I still need work here. This doesn't change Happiness is a condition of forgiving. Some hurts are just harder than others to . . . get past. Reading the journals do help because I have more understanding of all the whys had. In time, I will be able to give full forgiveness.
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