No name

I cannot speak the name here; I cannot speak the name among my family; only my closest friends can hear this name. It pains me. This name came to me without looking, without knowing it should be. I wished, I prayed, I gave up, I prayed, I wished, I decided to just be, just be in all my pain. The name came without a notice, the name came. I want to speak the name all the time, but cannot; forbidden it is to speak such a name, to speak a name that causes a smile, a laugh, a feeling of peace. I cannot speak this name. Happiness is forbidden, for now, for now. No name. No name.