Thank you to those who have helped me along my journey in the past year.

I have met many people since my separation, and I use the word people because I have not met men only. Some good friendships have developed over the past year, friendships I will not discard at a whim. There are men to be listed, there are women to be listed, but my time won't allot for such a list. Anyhow, I'm here to say that there are a few men I must thank on my journey that have touched me in some way and have taught me something about me that I lost long ago. Let me start with Johnny, a dear man, a retired ministered. Thank you for showing me the beauty that I do have from within me, the beauty I had forgotten existed. Showing me this beauty began to allow me to be me. I'm still working on being me, but I am me, now, more than I have ever been. There is Jim, a retired monster truck driver--yeah, monster truck driver, of all things. Well, he as well helped me find that beauty within, not by scolding me, as Johnny did at times, when I needed it the most, but by just listening, by being there at the oddest moments, and just calling me "cute" when I would say exactly what I felt. Then, there is Rod, a retired bull rider--boy, I have them in every line of work! Rod taught me what signals to look for, those mixed signals, those signals that are so subtle, unless you've been played often, you just don't recognize them. No matter, Rod will always have a special place in my heart. Of course, there is Ken (not Kenny), who I did decide to live with. It was brief. That brief excursion taught me I can stand up for myself, I can face a man who gets into my face, that I am strong even when I am weak. And Kenny (yes there are two Kens--lol), who made me realize I can pick who I want, that I am not limited, that I do have beauty on the outside. Some part of me knew this, but the insecurity of age always keeps this at bay. Then there is Peter, a very spiritual man. I thank him for the church, his family, his love and nonjudgmental way, but also his constructive criticism of my situation. He helped me open up my heart more to God, to see God, to feel God in a fuller presence. I doubt I will be leaving Agape Fellowship any time soon. The spirit abounds in this place. There are many Sundays I don't want to leave, the people, or the building. Peter and his family, and the church family, have been a tremendous blessing. Without them this holiday season, I doubt I would have made it through. And there is still Christmas. Lastly, at this moment on my travels, is Kurt, a Christian biker. I do have to admit I have deep feelings for him; where it goes I do not know. Kurt has brought all the previous meetings to a full circle. I am me in his presence. I hide nothing of who I am. If Kurt and I do not become significant others, there will always be a close friendship, without doubt. Meeting him has made me understand that all of me can be acceptable, that I need not hide any of me. These men have become good good friends on my journey after the separation and Vincent's initial battle with cancer. I must also thank Tom for being there with his Lutheran wisdom when I needed it the most, him not judging me as I made my transition, allowing me to see friendship, even at a distance, is a great blessing. Tom, I hope you read this. So, on this journey, in the aspects of male friendships, it has been good. Of course, this does not exclude the female friends made on this journey as well. The most notable friends of course, before this journey began are Kiersten, Tammy, and Tobey. The other notable friends are Mona, Lisa, Cathy, and Nancy--none of these four even live in the state of Indiana. If anyone would say it was impossible to have friends you've never met in person, I would argue my case against such thoughts. Cathy kept the jokes coming. Mona just listen and gave wisdom of God. Lisa sat through long nights with me. Nancy and I had things in common, number one being grandchildren. Thank you to each of you. All is much appreciated. God does send people to you, even people that might not be the best just to give you a lesson much needed. And Kenny, I hope you get your phone back soon! Miss our conversations much!

It has been forever since I've been here.

Tonight I come here with hope in my heart. It has been a long long road. I do wonder how many of you still look at this site. Anyhow, I have found a freedom I never knew before, and in that freedom came a choice place upon my heart. In time I hope to reveal all. As of now, it is good for me to say, I am happy--in a strange way because this happiness has a funny twist. Can't explain this but much will become evident as the days go on. I wait on God to do the work promised, in me--more completely, in my family (and yes that includes my ex-husband Garry), my friends--old and new, in the church I have come to enjoy, and even in those who have caused me problems in the past--those that are labeled as an enemy. God's grace, love, blessings be on you all!

No name

I cannot speak the name here; I cannot speak the name among my family; only my closest friends can hear this name. It pains me. This name came to me without looking, without knowing it should be. I wished, I prayed, I gave up, I prayed, I wished, I decided to just be, just be in all my pain. The name came without a notice, the name came. I want to speak the name all the time, but cannot; forbidden it is to speak such a name, to speak a name that causes a smile, a laugh, a feeling of peace. I cannot speak this name. Happiness is forbidden, for now, for now. No name. No name.

Proceedings to Begin

It has been many months since I have been here. Much has happened in those months. I don't know if there is time to put it all down here, at least not tonight. I have been accused of much.  I do not attempt to defend myself because the mind of those who accuse are set on what they believe. Time is my ally now; pain is my guest for this time; friendships are my leaning post. Ginet will not speak to me unless absolutely necessary. Jess is Jess, but bitter with me often. David takes no sides, which is the way it should be. Vincent . . . well, he deals with his issue. He isn't happy about dad and me, but he will survive.

Vincent's cancer appears to be gone, but nothing can be positively concluded until September when most of the scar tissue from radiation has subsided, leaving the doctors to see what is "really" there. Chemotherapy does not fair well with Vincent. Treatments have been altered three times since February. The doctors believe that therapy might have to be stopped because his body cannot take it. He has had at least four transfusions that I can remember, but I believe it is more; and one transfusion--beyond the regular transfusions--has been for platelets. Half of Vincent's bone marrow is depleted. Pretty much, if he gets cancer again, he won't make it. Steroids are tearing up his body. I keep praying he will be off of them soon. Well, so is the chemo. Vincent struggles to be motivated to do his physical therapy, his occupational therapy, and speech therapy. His stroke has made him become weak hearted mentally, feeling as if there is no need to do anything. Prayers please.