Realization

After some thoughtful conversation in my journal, I have realized that my husband has given up on making himself better, or at least enjoyable. All the information he has been given to keep his body active and in less pain (while those things often cause pain until a few sessions have been done), has been rejected by him. He is even back to smoking again: he has emphazima. I can not longer rant and rave only about medicaid issues. However, Plan D through Medicare (I believe) won't pay for one of the medications the doctor is trying out on him now. The medication it is replacing is for . . . I forgot, but anyhow, the medication he was on slowly stopped working, the reason for the change. The medication, out-of-pocket, will cost $23 a month. That isn't bad, but when the dosage goes up, the cost goes up. I don't know how we'll budget it.

Now, I no longer tell him the information I find that can help him, I let him fill his days with medication. I no longer get angry with him when he smokes, he doesn't care. I can no longer ask him to try because he has ignored me. I wonder how long it will take before he realizes I don't care anymore.

Thoughts

It seems I have come to an inpass. There are those items that must be done, those items that will be done, those items I do not want to do, and those items where questions arise. I am there. Too many questions without any defining answers, without any defining evidence to help me through, and with a few, questions I can do nothing about because the control of the situation isn't left up to me. Maybe the title of this page should be frustration. With all the items at my doorstep, I have a sinus infection and ear infection, and a new perscription for my glasses that I am attempting to get use to all on top, my mind . . . well. I feel like a wishy washy sea urgent bobbling along wherever the waves want to take me, both physically and emotionally. The items and illness made me feel like I put in two days yesterday. I awoke this morning thinking I forgot to go to work yesterday, thinking yesterday was Thursday, not Wednesday. I hate waking in a panic. I know, all of you will tell me to slow down. Had nothing to do with me attempting to do too many things at once, it had to do with having too much on my mind (knowing what has to be done and what I can't do). Glad that summer is not far away.

One thing I did do for myself last night was to watch a movie. 2012 is a suspensival funny movie. I didn't find the movie overly serious because, first of all, the theory concept given in the movie wasn't working for me. The character building was awful. While I felt the suspense, I also found humor in most of it (except for the final plea for all the lives waiting to board the huge arks).

Enough said about the movie. Enough said about those items. Now, I ask (those who have the time to do so) that you read some of my work I have recently posted on lukiaskywritingtobefree.blogspot.com.