I
had a hard time deciding where I wanted to put this entry: personal journal or
one of my blog sites. I chose a blog site—probably two, by the time it has been
placed on the internet. Anyhow, this deals with emotions stemming from seeing
my granddaughter being taught how to fish by another man. It isn’t about
begrudging her the opportunity or being mad at this man who isn’t her daddy;
this is about the “it isn’t fair” emotion because cancer decided to take
Vincent away. When I first saw the picture, I thought, Wow! She caught a fish! Then, realizing it wasn’t her daddy there
doing it with her, my smile and enthusiasm diminished. It should be her daddy
doing this with her. Then I thought, her uncle should be doing it with her. I
am happy she caught a fish. I am happy she experienced this. I am happy someone
is there to teach her (hopefully ethically). I’ve only met her stepfather once.
I can’t say much about him. I only know what trickles down to me from others,
and I must be careful in making a decision in what type of man he is. As a
parent, I understand how a parent is critical
about the chosen partner of a child. It continues on for a lifetime. That’s
being a parent—protective. As I said, I don’t know her stepfather. I can only
tell you what I felt as I saw the photograph. It’s hard! It’s terribly hard!
I
know how much Vincent loved fishing. I remember him saying he was going to
teach Chloe how to fish and to hunt—especially fish. His attitude was about
having a girl that could be prissy and boyish. How much he would have
accomplished depended on Sammie too (smirking as I think about it). Yes, I
began to see Vincent in that photograph with Chloe sitting on his knee as the
fish dangled from the fishing pole. That’s where Vincent should have been.
If
anyone thinks this emotion is wrong, YOU ARE WRONG. An emotion is exactly what
it needs to be because God gave them to us—all of them! It’s what you do with
an emotion that decides right or wrong. So, I took the time to cry and took the
time to discuss it with Chris. No matter, I will always have this feeling and
need to deal with it—someone other raising my boy’s little girl. I can’t change
what happened to Vincent; I can’t change how I feel; the only control I have is
to face it and deal with it. AND PLEASE don’t tell me I can change how I feel—if
you haven’t been in my position, you have no place telling me a thing. I’m sure
other grandparents out there understand.
